So things are pretty darn close to being perfect at the moment.

I’ve been talking to a lot of my old friends and getting a grip on all those old friendships that I was forced to let go of. Now that things have blown over and my feelings on certain “issues” have dispersed themselves, it’s given me the opportunity to live life, to have fun, to be...happy. When all this worthless junk in my life was going on almost 3 months ago I figured I would have all this extra free time and no one to spend all my spare time with. But once you let yourself become open to new things, and let lose, it’s funny how many people make time to hang out with you.

New song: In Christ Alone

In Christ alone my hope is found
He is my light, my strength, my song
This Cornerstone, this solid ground
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm
What heights of love, what depths of peace
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease
My Comforter, my All in All
Here in the love of Christ I stand

In Christ alone, who took on flesh
Fullness of God in helpless babe
This gift of love and righteousness
Scorned by the ones He came to save
‘Til on that cross as Jesus died
The wrath of God was satisfied
For every sin on Him was laid
Here in the death of Christ I live

There in the ground His body lay
Light of the world by darkness slain
Then bursting forth in glorious Day
Up from the grave He rose again
And as He stands in victory
Sin’s curse has lost its grip on me
For I am His and He is mine
Bought with the precious blood of Christ

No guilt in life, no fear in death
This is the power of Christ in me
From life’s first cry to final breath
Jesus commands my destiny
No power of hell, no scheme of man
Can ever pluck me from His hand
‘til He returns or calls me home
Here in the power of Christ I’ll stand

  So I’ve been spending a lot of time with Nolan lately which has been completely awesome. This kid is seriously incredible and its so good to have him back in my life and for us to be tight again. I haven’t laughed this hard and smiled such a true, genuine smile like I have been recently, in so long. You never actually recognize how much it sucks to be forced to give up a friendship with someone you “luv” for someone you “love” until you have to do it due to a lack of trust. But things will work themselves out if that’s what needs to happen...and sure enough, it did. It’s strange how time changes things. Like seriously, you sit there and worry where life is going to take you and what’s to come when there’s nothing you can do to figure it out except live it. And of course, once enough time passes, things work out for the best. People always say things get better with time, although until you see it actually played out in your life its not that easy to believe. But once you see it taking place right in front of you, it totally changes your entire thought process on the way things operate in this world. Its odd how things always seem to work themselves out with time. And when the time is right, rekindles small flames.So basically, Nolan and I have been dating off and on since my 7th grade year. As of now,  it’s been about a year and 5 months since me and Nolan broke up the last time, and which at that point in time we both had the mindset that it was completely over between us for good...funny how time changes things.

On the other side of things, I’ve been thinking a lot about my purpose in life. Why I’m here and what I can do to make the time spent here as pleasant as possible for not only me but those who I come in contact with in my everyday life. I’ve read a billion books, listened to a thousand sermons, and talked to 100 people and still nothing. No matter what I try I never find the answer I'm looking for. Well every morning before I begin getting ready or do anything, I take the first 45 minutes of my day and spend them with the Lord throughout my devotions. Well the other morning while I was doing reading, I came across just a short sweet verse in John where the Lord simply says, “...I choose you...” Now in all actuality, an exact translation of John 15:16 says “You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit—fruit that will last. Then the Father will give you whatever you ask in my name.” this particular morning I wasn’t feeling my best, was too tired to plunge in to find the deeper meaning, and on top of all that, I was late for school. So I finished reading and just left, frustrated that I had yet to take anything beneficial out of the time I had spent reading other than being in the presence of the Lord. Now also, when I drive to school I turn off my radio and anything else that can make noise and just spend another 10 minutes in prayer reflecting and talking to God about the things I read already today. But this certain morning, I had nothing to say. I was completely baffled and confused, so I just drove. Not one thought going through my head at all, just driving. Then while I was coming to a stop light I felt God surround me and begin to reveal things to me. just small things at first but in conclusion he ended our little “discussion” with a verse. I had never heard of the verse much less even knew if it existed. So I went through the day and once I got home I got out my bible, looked it up and came up with this. Deuteronomy 28:14 “He will do with you what he never did before before his call came to you, and he will do with you what he is not doing with other people. Let him have his way.” There are a million different ways to take this and I can’t exactly put it in words the feelings that God put in me but in more or less words, this is basically saying that God is at work bending, breaking, molding, and doing exactly as he chooses. God is constantly at work on our hearts and his only purpose for doing so is so that in the end he can say,

 “She is Mine.”

if it was meant to be, it wouldn’t be this hard...

So where do I turn next?

How do you just pick up everything and move on, no strings attached?

I don’t think I’ve ever been so confused in my entire life before.

When I look at it through one point of view everything is fine. Life is still going. I still have incredible and supportive friends. My family is getting pretty darn near perfect and me and God are basically inseparable. But on the other hand, I can’t see how I manage to pull myself out of bed every morning.  

I thought that I had found someone

Someone to start this something new.

I thought that there might be a chance,

A chance of me and you.

I'm living in this melody,

Of notes that were once wrote for you

Just holding onto memories,

The memories of you.

Wishing on a star that isn’t true

Dreaming of when there was a me and you.

I thought you were my fairy tale,

My dream when I wasn’t sleeping.

I thoguth you were the voice at night

That calmed the dreams that were so frightening

My prince who gives that waking kiss

To bring my back to you

I thought there was some hope and faith

In the love of me and you.

I thought that I had found someone

Someone to start this something new.

I feel so completely broken. 100% lost and no way of finding my way back. I don’t understand why things aren’t getting better. The more time I give it and the more space I put between us the harder it gets. I have those days where everything is good. God has supplied me with enough strength to make it through the day and has given me all that I need to get by. But then out of nowhere I break down and fall completely apart. I feel inside that I'm doing better, becoming more independent, and learning when to run full speed into the arms of Jesus. But sometimes the smallest things pull you back down to where you once were. Something as a simple as a text, or phone call. Something someone says or a song that you hear. A funny story of a distant memory or a scent of the way they smelled. All of which brings you back to that one place in your mind. That place where things would add up and everything used to make sense. I’m so lost as to where this is all going and why it’s causing so much pain. Is it really worth the effort that is being put into it? Are you really worth all the tears that have been shed? No matter how much I hate you and no matter how much I never want to speak to you again, I can’t help certain aspects of my heart. It drives me crazy everyday not knowing what the future will bring and what will become of all of this. “You never know from moment to moment how your work will turn out in the end.” Ecclesiastes 11:6  I want to know so bad whether I should walk away from all of this or keep trying to have faith. When I look at what this has become I see nothing. Nothing of importance or worthwhile. In a sense, it all reminds me of jelly beans. (just work with me here....the bowl being life, and the jelly beans representing things we go through) As you work your way through the bowl eating all the jelly beans, you come to some that are your absolute favorite. Those certain ones that you could eat for the rest of your life. But then every so often you bite into some that are terrible. You come across those particular ones that ruin the taste of the others and make them all not worth eating. And in the end, all you got was a whole lot of worthless fat.   The point of that is simply an analogy of my life. Sure, we have those days where things with us are good, when don’t fight, we have fun, things are “okay.” Those days that you wish would never end. but then there are those days when the things get so bad that it make the whole experience worthless. When you wish you could go back and re-do the night you were introduced. When you wish more than anything that you could forget about them as fast as you fell for them. And you realize that you have gotten nothing beneficial out of it all.

New topic...

Lately, I’ve been spending a lot of my time reading out of Job in the Bible. Although this is a book of the bible telling a story of a man’s suffering it’s amazing how much you can learn by reading about others trials. “The sooner the godless are gone the better, then good plants can grow in their place.” Job 8:19   how much clearer of a sign could I ask for. I’ve been praying constantly since January that God would give me a clear sign on what he wants me to do with this whole “situation”. It’s been almost 5 months, but he followed through with an answer and he wrote it out for me in the bible, his love letter to the world. The thing I hate worst though is the unknown. When things happen, I know they’re happening for a reason. But I cant ever seem to grasp as to why it has to happen this way. But I guess the whole reasoning for that is so we continually run back to Jesus.

God has filled me with so much in the last 4 months its ridiculous. He has given me such peace and joy that I no longer allow myself to worry about the trivial issues that are pushed into my life, but now I just focus on bringing as much joy to others as he has given me. Its so nice on Sundays to just be able to just worship and breathe in the house of the Lord. God has shown me so much recently. Just the way God reveals himself is so unpredictable and captivating. God has brought my to a point in my life where I know that I'm not doing this on my own anymore. I'm not doing this for myself anymore and I'm not even doing it my own way anymore. Everything revolves around him. I’ve surrendered my all to him. When I felt/feel so alone, God comes and sits beside me. When I was and am completely broken God comes and pick up the pieces. When I have no strength to continue down this path on my own that is when God comes and carries me the rest of the way. How simply perfect is the splendor of our God. When I started writing this I was feeling worse and crying harder than I have since 2 months ago. But as I kept typing God even here, revealed himself to me through my own suffering. “Anyone who intends to come with me must let me lead, you are not in the driver’s seat, I am. Don’t run from suffering, embrace it. Follow me and I’ll show you how.” Luke 9:23-24

...but what is it worth, if you don’t have to fight for it.

“Still, if you set your heart on God and reach out to him you’ll forget all your troubles; Full of hope, you’ll relax, confident again in the arms of the Lord.” job 11:13

“Give into God, come to terms with him and everything will turn out just fine. Let him tell you what to do, take his words to heart. Come back to God Almighty and he will restore your life.”  Job 22:21-23

edit;;

so i had some softball games Wednesday night. sliding on gravel fields do no good for skin. the base?...yea it was pretty bloody. along with my pants, shoes, and field. i got some beautiful stitches. but the only thing that really matters is i was safe. and without that slide we would have lost. I AM A WARRIOR!

end edit;;

(this is going to be another long entry, 3 points to hit, but you still need to read it. J thanks)

Every time I have to tell someone what happened I cant help but break down.  So if you wouldn't mind, I would love for everyone to read it all so the question of why I am the way I am right now aren’t as frequently asked.

I don’t think I’ve ever felt so much pain in my entire life. There’s just this constant emptiness inside and there is no possible way to escape it. I wake up crying in a cold sweat at night. Everything feels so fake and pointless. As much as I try I can’t find anything to be happy for. The thoughts that run constantly through my head are scaring me more than I ever thought possible. I feel so numb to everything around me......

Trent and I broke up last night. and it was the worst pain I’ve ever felt in my whole life. Yes, of course I cried, we both did. For hours I balled in his arms, knowing that was the last time he would hold me, the last time he would comfort me, the last time i could hold his hand with those same feelings. Also knowing the second I walk out the door things would never be the same again. The hardest part was knowing that once I left, I would no longer hold that place in his heart again. His thoughts he had of me would never be like they once were. I held his hand for the last time and never felt so much passion in such a simple action as I did then. Every time he looked at me it made him cry. Every time he saw how much pain I was going though it made him hurt. Every time we looked into each others eyes I felt like all I was doing was breaking his heart and repeatedly reopening the wound. Tearing him apart with the tears in my eyes. Just knowing that there was and is and would be so much more for us if only the timing was better. And maybe there is more to come down the road. As dumb as it might sound, there’s always a shred of hope inside of me that cannot let lose. It was, is and will be terrible for a looong time. It still hasn’t hit me that I don’t have him anymore. I haven’t gotten to the point of realization that I can no longer call him ‘my baby’ anymore and know he’s thinking the same towards me. No longer having that one person in my life that makes a terrible day good with just a simple ‘hello’ at night. The person that constantly pushes me to find the best in every situation and makes me see life optimistically. Just knowing that for the last year everything you’ve needed and wanted has been right there for you. And now it’s less than 20 minutes away but I can’t ever touch him the same. Can’t look at him with the same intent as before. Can’t lay content in his arms and feel that same security that I’ve had. if we were only 5 years older oh, how things would change. The difference 5 years would make would be immense. ‘if I was only a senior in college, I would be the happiest man alive.’ Those were the best and yet worst words I could have possibly heard. Hearing that I'm everything he wants, and that I'm perfect for him is only what I have dreamed of. But then knowing the only way that was possible would be to have another 5 years of life under our belts hurts so bad.

He sat there asking me ‘what happened to my little tough girl?’ and telling me that I'm strong enough to handle this, but when it comes down to it I'm not. The only reason I have had so much strength to get through all these hard times throughout life is because I had him pushing. I had his words of encouragement every night. I had a reason to keep giving it all that I have. But now I have nothing left to strive for. No prize waiting for me at the finish line.

The way things were left wasn’t the way I wished them to be. I feel wrong for still wanting him to hold me with his loving arms, to sing to me with his gentle voice, to kiss my forehead with his heartfelt lips when things get rough. To be there for me when I need him, to Love me with his genuine heart. But mostly, to hold my hand through every circumstance and tell me he loves me every chance he gets.

I guess the thought that should be going through my head is how happy I should be for him. He is following his heart and doing what he feels is right. How much more noble could his reasoning be? Yea, it hurts to know that I'm not what he wants anymore but I'm proud that he had the strength to do what he thought best. Honestly, for a while I wished I could go back to the night I met him and never have gone out that night. Just stayed home and slept. It would have saved me from all the pain and heartache that I'm dealing with now. But even if I could go back and change it all, I don’t think I would ever have the strength to.

I wish I could go back to those unspoiled moments in our relationship before hurt ever touched our hearts, before doubt ever entered our minds. Because if I could go back and start from those moments once more, I would hold you longer, never miss a chance to tell you how much you mean to me...and never ever hurt you. But I know we cant go back to those days. I know I cant erase the mistakes.  I cant take away the questions you might have or the hurt we both feel. But I can assure you of one thing:

I Love you-

as I did then and as I always will.

He gave me such an amazing gift throughout all this. He taught me something that you can’t learn at school or from your parents. He gave me a gift that you can never lose, never run out of, and never forget. I'm so thankful that God gave me such a blessing everyday for the past year. So thankful that I got to live this last year in complete bliss and happiness with the most indescribable boy in the world. So thankful that God showed me the gift of Love, and brought it to me through trenty. God gave me the realization that no matter what, Love Never Fails.

"the best love is the kind that awakens the soul; that makes us reach for more, that plants the fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds.  that's what i hope to give you forever."

Come What May:

Never knew I could feel like this
Like I've never seen the sky before
Want to vanish inside your kiss
Every day I love you more and more
Listen to my heart, can you hear it sings
Come back to me, and forgive everything
Seasons may change, winter to spring
But I love you until the end of time

[Chorus:]
Come what may
Come what may
I will love you until my dying day

Suddenly the world seems such a perfect place
Suddenly it moves with such a perfect grace
Suddenly my life doesn't seem such a waste
It all revolves around you
And there's no mountain too high
No river too wide
Sing out this song and I'll be there by your side
Storm clouds may gather
And stars may collide
But I love you until the end of time

Come what may
Come what may
I will love you until my dying day

Oh, come what may, come what may
I will love you, I will love you
Suddenly the world seems such a perfect place

Come what may
Come what may
I will love you until my dying day

Thank you so much, Trenton Jay Biggerstaff! I love you so much no matter what is thrown into our lives, I’ll always love my ugly little man forever.

You are my sunshine. My only sunshine. You make me happy, when skies are gray. You’ll never know dear, how much

 I LOVE YOU.

Please don’t take my sunshine away.

Happy 11 month Trenton jay!

(yesterday)

AND

Happy Valentines Day!

These last 10 months have been absolutely amazing. But, I'm not gonna lie, this last month has been nothing but an absolute hell. And to be honest I’ve hated every minute of it. buuttt the beauty of it all is that we are slowly......and I really do mean....SLOWLY working through things. Whether it’s the best way to do so or not. buut anyways I honestly, don’t know how much closer we could possibly get to each other. The stupid things we say (I'm gonna yell real loud.......ah), the retarded stuff that we think is fun(driving around with the top down in winter), and the disgusting things that we find amusing (taking dumps and you farting) all has brought us to the point we’re at in our relationship now. i love you soo soo much you, ugly little man.

 We’re freakin best friends yo! And I wouldn’t change that for anything.

kinda blurry, but thats yesterday

On the other side of things....Valentines Day. ha spo much to say about alentines day. Honestly, I think Valentines Day is the absolute worst day ever created, besides National ‘Hug-a-Teacher-Day.’ maybe its cause I’ve never been one to be into all the flowers, teddy bears, cards, hearts.......couples. I don’t know but strangly, yesterday was pretty darn neat.

So right after school me and sara drove over to ‘Party America’ and bought 64 red and white heart balloons, a heart shaped box, and tons of confetti. Then after 10minutes of trying to fight the wind (thanks to jesus)we finally got 32 balloons in each of our cars and attempted to drive across town to the gas station to buy a monster and Trent’s. Trent was gone so we had to get into his house and do some damage in his room before he got home. Over the last week I’ve spent hours cutting out little heart shaped pieces of paper and writing down all the things that I love about him. it was only supposed to be about 20 hearts, but once i had writen about 10% of the things i love, I had already ended up with around 100+. So we cleaned his room, and then covered it with the red and white confetti. Then threw all the little heart papers all over the floor, I put his card under his pillow, and one of those stupid Monster energy drinks that he’s addicted to on the pillow. Then we closed the window, shoved all the balloons inside and ran out the door. He called me about 20 minutes later, while he was sucking helium and laughed at me for it. ttthhheeeeeennnnn......he came over to my house to take me out to dinner buut I was up at the gas station hanging out with Andy and Jordan. So he decorated my room and then came up and got me. we came back home and there were roses, balloons and an adorable card waiting for me. so blaugh blaugh blaugh....hugs, kisses, PDA......fiiiinally we go out to dinner. Then back to his house and hang out over there for a while.  So over all my Valentines day was amazing, considering this was the first valentines day (along with every other important holiday this year) that either of us have had a bf/gf for, it was pretty nifty. But honestly, I would have to say that the best part of the whole night was when Trent got sick off sucking the helium. lol at the store I had them put 'extra float' in the balloons, so if you suck it out, it makes you sick, so poor kid had a stomach ache. But he deserved it for popping my balloons.

edit........2 things;;

 <read it kids.

cute couple right?

An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting.  When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?"

She replied:  "A can of peaches."
The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied: "I was hungry."
The judge then asked her “how many peaches were in the can?”  

She replied: "6."
The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail."
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.
He said, "What is it?"
The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."

 alyssa beth gilmore basically makes me 105% happy 450% of the time.

i have a real cool boyfriend. he's really pretty and photogenic. we have lots of fun together.

End edit;;

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus

Phillipians 4:6-7